Guilt is such a useless emotion. It induces stress and anxiety for no good reason. Guilt feels horrible. It feels like a kick to the gut; a twist in the heart and the soul.
A particularly useless form of guilt is survivor’s guilt. On top of being useless and destructive, it’s narcissistic. I feel better but you still feel lousy and that makes me feel bad – as if I have any control over how you feel. Yuck. Seriously, it’s disgustingly narcissistic. It is ridiculous and I know it.
Yet I feel it. I have been having horrible survivor’s guilt lately. My stomach has been in knots over the fact that people are suffering. It hurts me to hear stories of pain and hardship, and it especially hurts me to hear stories of injustice. Everyone who has been hurt by the pharmaceutical industry, who is suffering because of a stupid drug, is suffering not only physically, but also from a grave injustice.
I want to stop this injustice from occurring. I see the injustice. Not everyone sees it. It’s not real to most people. But I see it. It is very real me and to all the other people who have lived through it or who are affected by it. I see it, but I can’t seem to stop it, and this makes me feel horrible. I feel guilty. I feel guilty about not doing more to change the system. I feel guilty about not warning the people who got hurt after me. I feel horrible about not doing more.
It’s funny that this feeling has come up as I’ve started to do something about the travesty that is Floxing (I’m thinking that this blog is “something” – you can disagree). While I was doing nothing, just focusing on healing myself, not focusing on changing the world, I didn’t feel guilty about anyone else’s suffering. Now that I’ve started reaching out to people, now that I see that my words can have power, I feel horrible about the fact that I’m not doing enough, that my words don’t have as much power as I’d like them to, that I didn’t use the power of my words earlier.
I’m sorry. I really am. I’m sorry for your pain and I’m sorry for not preventing it. I’m really sorry for being narcissistic and whiny about it too. And I’m trying. Truly. I’m doing what I think I can. These systems that we’re fighting are really big and powerful. But I’m still trying. I’m doing my best.
I am way too sensitive to be an activist. I’m way too sensitive to be a fighter. But I don’t really see what choice I have. People are being hurt. I have to do something to stop it. I have to try. The world needs people who try. Who am I not to try?
So, I’ll deal with the higher blood pressure and the stupid, stupid guilt. I’ll even deal with knowing that I’m a narcissist. Because this fight is worth fighting. Hopefully I’ll learn how to make it less painful at some point.