Guilt is such a useless emotion. It induces stress and anxiety for no good reason. Guilt feels horrible. It feels like a kick to the gut; a twist in the heart and the soul.
A particularly useless form of guilt is survivor’s guilt. On top of being useless and destructive, it’s narcissistic. I feel better but you still feel lousy and that makes me feel bad – as if I have any control over how you feel. Yuck. Seriously, it’s disgustingly narcissistic. It is ridiculous and I know it.
Yet I feel it. I have been having horrible survivor’s guilt lately. My stomach has been in knots over the fact that people are suffering. It hurts me to hear stories of pain and hardship, and it especially hurts me to hear stories of injustice. Everyone who has been hurt by the pharmaceutical industry, who is suffering because of a stupid drug, is suffering not only physically, but also from a grave injustice.
I want to stop this injustice from occurring. I see the injustice. Not everyone sees it. It’s not real to most people. But I see it. It is very real me and to all the other people who have lived through it or who are affected by it. I see it, but I can’t seem to stop it, and this makes me feel horrible. I feel guilty. I feel guilty about not doing more to change the system. I feel guilty about not warning the people who got hurt after me. I feel horrible about not doing more.
It’s funny that this feeling has come up as I’ve started to do something about the travesty that is Floxing (I’m thinking that this blog is “something” – you can disagree). While I was doing nothing, just focusing on healing myself, not focusing on changing the world, I didn’t feel guilty about anyone else’s suffering. Now that I’ve started reaching out to people, now that I see that my words can have power, I feel horrible about the fact that I’m not doing enough, that my words don’t have as much power as I’d like them to, that I didn’t use the power of my words earlier.
I’m sorry. I really am. I’m sorry for your pain and I’m sorry for not preventing it. I’m really sorry for being narcissistic and whiny about it too. And I’m trying. Truly. I’m doing what I think I can. These systems that we’re fighting are really big and powerful. But I’m still trying. I’m doing my best.
I am way too sensitive to be an activist. I’m way too sensitive to be a fighter. But I don’t really see what choice I have. People are being hurt. I have to do something to stop it. I have to try. The world needs people who try. Who am I not to try?
So, I’ll deal with the higher blood pressure and the stupid, stupid guilt. I’ll even deal with knowing that I’m a narcissist. Because this fight is worth fighting. Hopefully I’ll learn how to make it less painful at some point.
Excellent as usual…
This fight is worth fighting. Excellent self discovery here Lisa. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER GIVE UP. We will stop this or die trying.
Thank you for everything you do
You’ve touched many lives and that has created a chain reaction that does more than you can imagine! May your light keep shining bright!
You may call it guilt but I would call it inspiration to those of us still fighting the fight. I have improved a great deal and my heart aches for those who took so much more of this devastating medication than I did and are much worse off than I ever was as hard as that is for me to imagine, Your story along with the other success stories offer HOPE, something that is hard to find but so necessary for healing. Thank you for that.
Don’t feel guilty. The industry that prescribes these drugs without much warning is at fault. I would just like to tell you that this blog really is helpful to me. I am 20 years old and I got floxed with Cipro about 2,5 months ago. I am experiencing different problems each day and almost each couple hours. At first my physician didn’t believe me but after a hospital doctor, who checked my progress, told me he had other patients before with reactions i suddenly had the support of my physician. My father has trouble with it but a lot of other family and friends are supportive and helpful.
I am confident i’ll get over this as over the last few weeks some of the problems seem to go away all be it slowly. Like many of the stories here said it takes a lot of time and rest. For now i am struggling with muscle decrease and pain. Did you experience anything like that when you were floxed?
Again a big thank you for writing this blog. It really helped me when the only things i could find were stories of pain.
I am empathic and sometimes I had to walk away from the forums as my healing wouldn’t progress if I am worrying about others. It is difficult. Thank you for sharing.
In this case, doing something is always better than doing nothing. Don’t feel guilty. Feel blessed. Know that those of us suffering are happy you have healed. That is a good thing! Take breaks if you need to and fight when you can.
Thank you Lisa
Do not feel sad, weak, or guilt. Embrace your angst, your love, and your fury! You are a great person, and are doing great things.
I understand your feelings of guilt, I am fighting that feeling too. I was floxed January 2018. I was in such severe debilitating pain every minute of every day until Feb 2020 I finally got some relief. I say some but it actually is more than some, now instead of wanting to die every day I only want to cry every day. This is a HUGE difference. Now I say I’m better (although I still hurt now I know why, I know the reason). The doctors know what damage is left, to deal with. I have a torn labrum in my right shoulder, I have many herniated discs in my neck, and many tears in my meniscus in my right knee. But like I said the pain is so much better than it was.
But like you I feel guilt. A friends mother was just floxed by the same drs that did it to me. My family and friends tried to get me to sue the drs when this all happened, but I was just trying every minute to live and find some relief. Now they have poisoned at least one more patient, and I do feel guilty. Maybe if I had at least gotten a lawyer they would have thought twice before prescribing ciprofloxacin for a stupid UTI.